Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D.
The Stress Success Doctor is IN!

Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in Carbondale, IL

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Stress Bytes Newsletter Archives

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Stress Bytes




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December 2004 - Emotional Eating: 101

Food is fuel, not therapy. If you eat when you are not hungry, it is either habit or emotional eating...  Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

January 2005 - Matters of the Heart: Marital Bliss or Abyss?

What if someone could predict with 94% accuracy whether your marriage would succeed or fail? Wouldn’t you want to know how they did that?  John Gottman, Ph.D., noted researcher, author, and founder of “the Love Lab,” has done so.  His 30 years of research found four factors that signal the health of a marriage and four ways of interacting that suggest your marriage may be in trouble....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

February 2005 - Woman = Depressed? I think NOT!

ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! Depression is NOT a normal part of being a woman. Contrary to common beliefs, it is not normal to be depressed after giving birth, during PMS, while going through menopause, or as part of aging.....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

April 2005 - Fight No More!

When I ask an audience what comes to mind when I say “conflict”, they usually give all the negatives associations first: war, fighting, pain, upset, anger, argument, and divorce.  When I prompt them for positive associations to the word “conflict,” uncomfortable laughter ripples across the room.  Usually I have to help them get started by saying “resolution, negotiation, cooperation, collaboration and relief.” Once in awhile someone will throw in “make-up sex!”  There’s one in every crowd!.....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

May 2005 - Are Parents to Blame?

Our personalities and behaviors are shaped by multiple influences -- biological, social, and cultural.  I sometimes quip that I'd be out of business if it weren't for parents, sex, and religion.  These are extremely powerful influences on the shape of our adult personalities, behavior, and the values we live by....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

June 2005 - Don’t Believe Everything You Think

This is my favorite bumper sticker – “Don’t believe everything you think.”  It reminds me that a lot of our misery, depression, anxiety and interpersonal difficulties are cause by our death grip on assumptions that make us miserable....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

July 2005 - Beware of Fault-Finding in Others: It Says A lot about YOU!

There's a million (well,maybe a dozen) ways we defend ourselves from unwanted or unpleasant emotions. Who wants to feel bad, right?  The ways we defend ourselves from experiencing these emotions are called ego defense mechanisms. We all use them to varying degrees....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

September 2005 - I'm a Recovering.....Worrier!

Hello, my name is Annette and I’m a recovering worrier. What is worry? Worry is just mental rehearsal for things to go badly. It is a sign of anxiety and not feeling sure about a future event or situation. It is only one of many perspectives to take about the future......Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

October 2005 - What's in Your Shadow?

Ever wonder why people have a personality change at midlife, sometimes called a midlife crisis?  Why does the mild mannered gentleman in your office suddenly quit his job and go off sailing around the world? Why does a formerly passive woman start speaking more assertively or even start expressing anger?.....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

December 2005 - Breaking Your Heart....OPEN!!

I want to write about heartbreak and how to embrace the lessons that come with loss. I do not want to glorify or romanticize heartbreak. It hurts….., deeply, but we can heal from it and grow to be wiser, more self-loving and stronger afterwards.....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

January 2006 - Wow! A New Tool for the Toolbox - EFT

I’m excited to talk to you about a new treatment option I’m learning, but I’m also hesitant because I’m new to it and it’s still in its infancy.....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

February 2006 - Success and Abundance Aren't Just for the Lucky!

Do you ever wonder why some people are successful at what they set out to do and others are not? I do. Whether it’s a diet, financial goal, or finding love, what differentiates those who are successful from those who are not?....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

March 2006 - No More Excuses

Even though I help empower women to reach their goals, I still struggle with my own tendency to whine, complain and feel defeated when I don't get what I want. Recently I put signs around my house that say, "NO EXCUSES! I am 100% responsible for the results I get in my life."  Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

April 2006 - Expand Your Possibilities

Why don’t we do things we know are good for us or move us towards our stated goals?  I suspect it’s either fear or we don’t believe we are able to, or that we don’t see ourselves as the kind of person who does those things.  Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

May 2006 - What Do You Need to Feel Loved?

Having a healthy relationship is like “tending” a garden. Like a garden, tending a relationship, may be considered “work” or “fun” depending on who you ask and when. Sometimes it’s both. And whether you plant a vegetable garden and look to it for nourishment and nurturance or a flower garden and look to it for beauty and sharing, both will wither and die if left untended. It’s the same with an intimate relationship.  Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

June 2006 - Mental Methods of Managing Stress

Most people carry on a silent internal conversation with themselves during much of the day, yet are totally unaware of it.  This internal self talk is very much like a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You may be surprised at how much of what you feel is caused by what you tell yourself, what you think about any situation.  It is most often your beliefs and thoughts about a situation that make a stressful, not the situation itself. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

August 2006 - Listen Away Her Stress in 3 Minutes

Do men and women differ in how they handle stress?  New theories say, “Yes.”    Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

September 2006 - Stress Jujitsu

In the "soft" form of jujitsu, the objective in self-defense is going with the force of a blow instead of encountering it or resisting it.  Instead of using extra energy to make contact and turn a blow away, the martial artist either steps aside or moves with the momentum of the blow, thus throwing the attacker off balance. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

Nov/December 2006 - You Must Be Present to Win

Have you’ve ever noticed that depressed people dwell on the past and anxious people are worried about the future? If so, you’ll understand the profound wisdom written in small print on raffle tickets, “you must be present to win.” Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

January 2007 - The Law of Attraction

After 2 years of writing about how to reduce stress, I thought I was running out of things to say. So I took my own advice and went on vacation. While walking on the beach at Ft. Lauderdale Christmas Day, I found myself thinking about the concept of abundance and the "law of attraction."   Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

February 2007 - Do a Good Deed Daily

I'd like to discuss an idea to help reduce your stress while strengthening your heart. This is an unusual idea for stress reduction because it involves doing something for someone else. Do a good deed daily. Do something nice for someone else and your heart will grow stronger. That someone can be a friend, family member, coworker, a business associate, or better yet, a total stranger. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

March 2007- The Secret to a Productive Depression

I learned a long time ago that the secret to having a productive depression is approaching it correctly and with perspective. Let me qualify this by saying that the type of depression I'm talking about is what's known as a reactive or situational depression. This is different than a clinical depression. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

May 2007 - The Secret of Peak Performance

Lately psychologists have become interested in positive psychology and peak performance states, instead of just the study of mental illness and stress related problems. By studying human potential, instead of focusing solely on human frailty and illness, we get a perspective that suggests ways and techniques which expand and optimize human life, instead of just providing a form of damage control or remediation.

I recently returned from a workshop sponsored by Harvard Medical School and held at Esalen Institute in beautiful Big Sur, California. The title of the workshop was “Enhancing Peak Performance in Art, Sports, and the Worksite.”  Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

June 2007 - The Stages of Effective Conflict Resolution: Part 1

Most of us stress out when faced with an interpersonal conflict, whether it's at work or at home. Unfortunately, without guidance for effective conflict resolutions, we can act like....well, 2 year olds. We pout, whine, scream, blame call names, walk out or tune out, or worse.... Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

July 2007 - The Stages of Effective Conflict Resolution: Part 2

Nothing makes a conflict worse than when the other person is not actively listening or engaged.  Here are 5 steps to not only demonstrate that you are listening, but to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is saying and feeling. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

August 2007 - The Perils of People Pleasing
PLUS a BONUS ARTICLE:  Getting Rid of Stress By Getting Rid of Clutter

Are you a people pleaser? Do you feel guilty or “selfish” when saying, “no” to other’s requests?  Do you put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own in the hopes that they will like you or they will put your needs as their top priority?  Do you worry about hurting other people’s feelings if you cannot do what they want you to do? If so, you are a people pleaser and are probably on the way to depression, anxiety, or resentment. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

September 2007 - You're Not the Boss of Me!

I am going to make a radical statement, which is: no one can control you unless you let them. You are always making choices about how to behave, react or respond to others’ behavior. Even in extreme circumstances, if someone has a gun to your head, you still have a choice about how to respond. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

October 2007 - How to Get What You Want

As a therapist, I am privy to the inner workings of the lives of many people. One of the things that amazes me is how many people are using outdated or incorrect assumptions about themselves and the world that disempowered them, reduced their effectiveness, and sustained misery in their lives. The theme I'd like to address today is not asking for what you want. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

November 2007 - How to Become Extremely Neurotic and Stay That Way

M. Scott Peck, author of the book, The Road Less Traveled, made the clearest distinction that I’ve ever read between your garden variety neurotic and personality disordered people.  Simply put, neurotics are those of us to make ourselves miserable. Personality disordered people make others miserable.

Fortunately or unfortunately, Freud said most of us are neurotic. That means we hold a set of unconscious beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the way the world works that do not correspond with reality.  Psychologists tend to believe that these neurotic tendencies were learned in childhood; often in response to the emotional and behavioral environments present in your family. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

January 2008 - Please Fail At Your New Year's Diet

February 2008 - The Valiant Struggle

I was struggling to write this column. After 2-3 years of writing about stress I was feeling like I was running out of ideas. How many ways can I spin stress management?  So I got thinking about what I've learned from my clients about facing life and dealing with stress. Mostly I've learned about the strength of the human spirit in the face of adversity.  I thought I'd share a little of that with you. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

March 2008: Power Struggle No More!

To paraphrase Albert Einstein, a problem cannot be solved within the same framework that created it. This applies to stressful situations as well, especially interpersonal ones. If there is some dynamic between you and another person that is driving you crazy, pushing your buttons, or stressing you out ...Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

April 2008: Friendship

Why is it so hard to write about friendship as a therapist?  I think it is partly because the nature of friendships are changing as society changes. The other thing I hear in both my friendship circle and my clinical practice is a pervasive sense of loneliness, social isolation and lack of meaningful connections between people. True and enduring friendships seem more like a rarity these days, not something we can take for granted....Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

August 2008: Change Your Mind, Change Your Game

On Saturday Night Live a few years ago, there was a character named Stuart Smalley, played by Al Franken, who closed his skit each time with the affirmations, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!" The audience would ripple with laughter.

Although all the success books talk about using affirmations to increase positive thinking, most of us don't follow through with the standard protocol needed to make affirmations work. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

September 2008: No Guarantees: Go for the Gusto

When we are struggling to make a decision about something important that will affect the course of our lives, wouldn't it be great to have a guarantee that everything will work out the way we hoped? I often wish that a deep voice would boom down from the heavens telling me exactly what I should do....the RIGHT thing to do. No such luck!  Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

October 2008: Blame: Two Can Play That Game

Why do we always look for someone or something to blame when we are hurt, upset or frustrated? Why is laying fault the first thing on someone's mind when bad things happen?  Does there always have to be an aggressor and a victim in every interaction that doesn't go the way one or the other party wants it to?  Is retribution the best response to harm or hurt? Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

January 2009: Another Article about New Year's Resolutions...Sigh!

The New Year is the time when many people make resolutions to change something about their lives - lose weight, stop smoking, or make more money. It's almost a joke how difficult it is to keep New Year's Resolutions.  Why is that?  Why do our good intentions fail us too often?  Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

February 2009: Resiliency and the Human Spirit
I want to write about resiliency and the human spirit because that's what I witness every day in my work as a therapist.  Nobody taught me about this in graduate school. Nobody talks about spirit at all in graduate school, but I tell you, it's the thing that gets us through tough times and what helps people endure unbelievable suffering and live to tell about it. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

March 2009: Signs and Symptoms of Stress Overload

Learning how to manage stress starts with becoming aware that you are under too much stress. You need to know the signs and symptoms of stress overload in the following areas of life: emotional, social, physical and cognitive. Too much stress can affect any or all of these areas of life. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

April 2009: Seeking Inner Guidance in Times of Stress

In times of stress and transition who doesn't want a trusted advisor or mentor? Wouldn't we all want someone to turn to who can help us with our decisions and guide us in our actions? I sure do. Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

May 2009: Surviving the Storms of Life

I love trees. Like many of you, I lost several in the recent storm. Helplessly, I watch the 106 mph winds that ravaged the Highway 13 corridor in southern Illinois snap limb after limb off the trees in my Carbondale yard. I know I should have been in the basement during the inland hurricane of May 8, 2009. I was ...until I heard the thud after thud of trees and limbs falling to the ground.  Without thinking I ran back upstairs going from window to window watching in disbelief as my beloved trees were destroyed.

August 2009: Why We Sabotage Our Success

Okay, you've set a goal - something you really want for yourself.  You're going to get into shape, stop smoking or earn more money.  You even have set up a program or outlined the steps to take each day to reach your goal.  You are excited. You have good intentions. You get started.

You do well for awhile - maybe a couple of weeks or a month.  Then something happens that stresses you out and your program drops to a lower priority or grinds to a halt...... to read the entire newsletter,  Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

September 2009: The Key to Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable because no two people are alike. We have differences of opinions, different goals and different perceptions of situations. In short, we won't always agree...... to read the entire newsletter,  Click here to download PDF of this newsletter.

October 2009:  Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Some of the more stressful times in life are those of transition. A transition time may be welcomed and planned or unwelcome and unexpected. Either way, what makes times of transition stressful are the myriad ways that we need to adapt to and navigate the changes ahead.  When you are in a time of transition, you are no longer in your comfortable routine....to read the entire newsletter, Click here to download a PDF of this newsletter.

January 2010:  Good News Is Good for You!

At Christmas dinner a few years ago a friend wanted to turn on CNN to watch the news.  I love that Wayne Dyer calls CNN "Constantly Negative News."  I responded this way to my friend: "Let me shorthand it for you. ... to read the entire newsletter, Click here to download a PDF of this newsletter.

Email me at Annette@GotStressGetHelp.com

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