Article: What Do You Need to Feel Loved?

Having a healthy relationship is like “tending” a garden. Like a garden, tending a relationship, may be considered “work” or “fun” depending on who you ask and when. Sometimes it’s both. And whether you plant a vegetable garden and look to it for nourishment and nurturance or a flower garden and look to it for beauty and sharing, both will wither and die if left untended. It’s the same with an intimate relationship.

Now, gardening requires knowledge of what the plants need. How much water? Shade? What type of soil? What’s the right fertilizer? What do you need to do to prevent bugs, birds or furry creatures from destroying your garden? Fortunately, there are plenty of books available to answer these questions, but you do have to inquire or have someone teach you. We are not born being expert gardeners.

The same goes for romantic relationships. We are not experts on our partners. They are. If we ask them, they will tell us what they need to feel loved and cared for. It is NOT safe to assume that what you need to feel loved is the same thing your partner needs.

Your partner may have an entirely different list than you of what they need to feel loved and nurtured in your relationship. The easiest way is to ask them to make a simple list of 20 ways you can best express your love for them. Have the list be specific, positive and behavioral. For example, you might say, “Kiss me good-bye before you leave in the morning and when you come home at night.” Or “clean up the kitchen for me after I’ve cooked dinner,” or “hold my hand when we sit and watch TV,” or “leave a little love note on my pillow to surprise me.”

Once you have your partner’s list, you can pick 5 things from it to do for them each day. It can be 5 different things or the same thing 5 times. This is great way to “tend” the relationship and make “deposits” into the emotional bank account. If you have enough deposits built up over time, then when bad times come, there will be good feelings to draw upon, not an empty account.

Here’s another idea from NLP or Neuro Linguistic Programming that might be helpful for you to pay attention to with your spouse or partner. The idea is that people best take in information in one of three main ways: auditory, visually, or kinesthetically (by touch). way of receiving information.
For example, a person with an auditory preference would most likely prefer to hear expressions of love. Having their partner say sweet words to them such as, “I love you. You’re wonderful. You’re so special to me. I can’t believe I get to have you as my love,” would be their favorite expressions of love and be deeply meaningful. Another way they might prefer receiving expressions of love is hearing love songs, or having poetry read aloud to them. The clues as to whether your partner is auditory are in their language. If he or she often uses expressions like the following, you’ve got an auditory person on your hands. “I hear…..let’s discuss….. I want to talk….. it sounds like,…..I’m speechless…..I’m tongue-tied…. now that you mention it…we’re on the same wavelength.”

A kinesthetic person might prefer hugs, caresses, touch, and more physical expressions of affection and sexual interest. Perhaps they’d enjoy going dancing or for a romantic walk, receiving a massage, having you pour them a bubble bath, or getting snuggled amidst silky sheets. Perhaps chocolate, which is a stimulant, or scented candles would appeal to the kinesthetic person. Hints that you’ve got a kinesthetic person are expressions like, “get a load of this….laying my cards on the table….let’s nail this down….I’m tied up for the rest of the week….she rubs me the wrong way….hang in there….I’m in touch with….it boils down to this.”

A visual person would most likely want to see expressions of love. These might include receiving cards, flowers, and other gifts, observable acts of kindness or assistance. One therapist I recently met said that nothing arouses a woman more than the sight of soap suds on her husband’s elbows. In other words, a woman can feel loved when she sees her husband helping with the dishes or other chores around the house. A visual person might uses these expressions, “catch a glimpse of…I see what you’re saying….let’s look into that….don’t make a scene….I can’t picture it….take a dim view….you went behind my back….in hindsight.”

I encourage you to listen to your partner’s choice of language and match their style and see how much more in-tune you feel when you do.

Next, have both of you complete the worksheet on Page 3 and share it with your partner. Think of the exercise as a way to “tend” the garden of your relationship, to water it with loving actions.

Announcement: FREE workshop: Introduction and Demonstration of  EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)

"EFT is a new discovery that has provided thousands with relief from pain, diseases and emotional issues.  Simply stated, it is a unique version of acupuncture except you don't use needles. Instead, you stimulate well established energy meridian points on your body by tapping on them with your fingertips. The process is easy to memorize and is portable so you can do it anywhere." - from Gary Craig at www.emofree.com

When: Noon, Sunday, June 11, 2006
Where: Carbondale Unitarian Fellowship Hall
105 N. Parrish Lane, Carbondale
Who: Dr. Annette Vaillancourt, Psychotherapist
Cost: FREE, but seating is limited to the first 30 people, so…...
Please RSVP by June 9th to DrAnnette@Hughes.net or 549-5935

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You may contact Dr. Vaillancourt at
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Please visit my website at http://www.GotStressGetHelp.com
Email address: DrAnnette@hughes.net

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