Carbondale, IL | Psychotherapist | Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D.

In last month's Part 1 of this article, I talked about setting aside time to discuss a concern and ways to break it down into it's component parts. The goal of that was to have your concern better received and understood by the other person with whom you were in conflict. This month, I will review the use of active listening skills, which is what the person receiving the concern can best do to help resolve the conflict.

Nothing makes a conflict worse than when the other person is not actively listening or engaged. Here are 5 steps to not only demonstrate that you are listening, but to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is saying and feeling.

1. Attending - This is mostly non-verbal. It means you are in the same room, with no distractions interfering (turn off the TV or computer) and in comfortable proximity to each other. It is demonstrated by an open and receptive body posture (no arms folded over your chest), making comfortable eye contact, and nodding to indicate you are listening.

2. Acknowledging - This includes both non-verbal and verbal behaviors, such as leaning slightly forward, some affectionate contact like patting the other person or holding their hand, and saying things like, "I see," "yes," "okay," "Uh hmmmm," or "Oh, I get it." Such statement are made in a warm or matter-of-fact tone.

3. Inviting - When the person expressing their concern seems lost for words or vague, you can say things to encourage them to go deeper or into more detail. Inviting statements sound like, "tell me more," "please go on," "what else?" or a simple "and?" Even simple silence can invite a person to go deeper into their thoughts or feelings. Learning to invite conversation is a great skill to have because it makes the other person feel safe and encouraged that their thoughts and feelings are important to you. Too many times, in conflict, I see where one person shuts the other one down and then complains that "he doesn't talk to me anymore!"

4. Summarizing - I call this one the "money piece" because when you learn to summarize accurately and effectively, the fight is more than half over. First of all, it isn't rude to interrupt someone who is long winded to summarize. If you are confused, this is also a good time to interrupt to summarize. It demonstrates like no other skill that you are listening, actively engaged and what your current level of understanding of their concern is. It's infinitely better to summarize than to simply (and defensively) say, "I understand!"

To summarize simply means to paraphrase or put into your own words the essence of what the other person is thinking and/or feeling. You condense it down and reflect it back to them to demonstrate your understanding. Be careful not to add your own assumptions or interpretations into the mix. You can tell that you did, if the person gets angry or annoyed with you. You'll know when you hit the nail on the head with an accurate and effective summarization when the other person visibly relaxes and they say something like, "YES! That's it exactly. Now you know how I feel!"

5. Ask Open Questions - I leave this to the last because it is to be used minimally, not liberally. If you pepper someone with 20 questions, they will respond defensively or shut down. If you ask a question that only requires and "yes" or "no" response, you've lost alot of information. Better to invite them to say more about a detail than to ask a "yes/no" question. The appropriate use of open ended questions is to clarify a detail you didn't understand. Then ask, who? what? where? when and NEVER why? Why questions put people on the defensive and if it's an emotionally charged issue, they may answer in a way that you won't believe anyway.

In closing, these 5 steps of active listening can be used on any order. Often times after giving a summarization, for instance, you return to an inviting response to get the person talking again. The point of active listening is to communicate caring and understanding to the other person while they are expressing a concern. Once they feel that you fully and clearly understand their concern and feelings, it is much easier to move to the stage of brainstorming possible solutions. Plus, sometimes for the person expressing the concern, being heard and understood is enough. You don't need to agree with someone's perspective in order to understand and validate it for them.

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