Beware of Fault-Finding in Others: It Says A lot about YOU!

There's a million (well, maybe a dozen) ways we defend ourselves from unwanted or unpleasant emotions. Who wants to feel bad, right?  The ways we defend ourselves from experiencing these emotions are called ego defense mechanisms. We all  use them to varying degrees. When they become problematic is when they create or maintain problems in your life that cannot be resolved, affect your health, maintain discrimination, or damage your interpersonal relationships.

Today, I'm going to focus on the defense mechanism called Projection.  Projection is when you attribute or "project" your unwanted, unrecognized, or uncomfortable feelings onto another person or group of people.  You think they are doing something or have a certain feeling that; in fact, you do not want to admit or feel yourself. 

For example, you think your mate is angry with you, when you are really the one who is upset with them.  Or, you are feeling tempted to have an affair, and you  suddenly find yourself feeling suspicious of or accusing your partner of unfaithfulness.  Or you say "she thinks she is better than everyone else" then you are most likely projecting your own unconscious feelings of superiority onto that person. Or you categorize any ethnic or minority group as "lazy", "manipulative", "dirty" "over-sexed" or "dishonest."

Most of us are unaware that we are doing this, which is why defense mechanisms are said to be unconscious.  What we may notice, if we are aware of our overall life themes, is a kind of psychological déjà vu. "This feels just like the time when _____."  Or we look at the course of our lives and find the same patterns occurring over and over again in our romantic relationships. "Why am I always attracted to men who can't make a commitment?" "Why are all women so needy?"  Maybe we keep quitting job after job because the boss is "too lazy/stupid and I have to do all his work." Taken to the extreme, projection can turn into paranoid thinking--"Everybody is out to get me."     

Face it; we all have negative aspects to our personalities.  They only stay problematic if we are not aware of them. If we "hate" something in someone else, we usually hate it in ourselves and hate to admit or acknowledge we feel or act that way too. So the solution is to entertain the possibility that you are projecting.

To explore this, the next time you're find yourself complaining about someone else's personality or condemning any group of people for a certain characteristic, ask yourself, "What part of me is also like this that I am afraid to admit or feel?"  This is called "owning" or "taking back" the projection. Believe me, it is a humbling experience, but one worth having because it allows you to be less judgmental, less likely to jump to painful conclusions, and less likely to keep creating conflict in your interpersonal relationships.  It also allows you to claim “the power of the dark side” (to borrow a Star Wars phrase) and use it for good.  Until you can admit and own your projections, they will run and sometimes ruin your life.