Matters of the Heart: Marital Bliss or Abyss?

What if someone could predict with 94% accuracy whether your marriage would succeed or fail? Wouldn’t you want to know how they did that?  John Gottman, Ph.D., noted researcher, author, and founder of “the Love Lab,” has done so.  His 30 years of research found four factors that signal the health of a marriage and four ways of interacting that suggest your marriage may be in trouble.

To do your own unofficial “state of the union” address, start by telling a close friend or writing out the story of your dating and courtship.  Do you tend to remember it positively or negatively?  This doesn’t mean that you ignore the struggle or hard times in your history, but notice whether your current perspective on those times tends to be generally positive or negative.   A positive recollection is a very good sign of marital health.

Next, look at your sense of “we-ness vs. I-ness” as you recall your history and describe your marriage.  In telling your story, do you more often describe what “we” did versus what “you” or “I” did?  Couples in long lasting marriages view their relationship as a joint venture and see themselves as a team. 

If you get really brave, get him talking about your early relationship.  Does he speak fondly of you?  Does he take pride in who you are and what you do? In lasting marriages, it is clear that he likes you, as well as loves you, and that he is proud of who you are.   Second, note what he recalls about your dating and courtship.  For happy couples, the more detail he remembers, the better.  If he doesn’t remember or is sketchy about the details, this may not just be forgetfulness, but a sign of trouble.

Finally, learn to identify styles of interacting that lead to trouble in the long run.  For example, in an argument or discussion, do either one of you retreat into stony silence?  This signals to the other that you are withdrawing and refusing to interact with them in a meaningful way.  If either spouse refuses to communicate, the marriage is in danger.  If you just need a temporary break to cool down and pull your thoughts together before finishing the discussion, this is reasonable and more likely to allow you to responds instead of react.  Make sure you tell your spouse, “I’ll be back!”

Defensiveness is another sign of trouble and tends to “throw gasoline on the fire” in an argument.  If you bring up a complaint to your partner, do they continually deny responsibility? Make excuses? Answer a complaint with a complaint?  Distract attention from themselves by accusing you of something unrelated? Stop listening and keep repeating themselves?  Whine? Or sit there with a false smile, what I call “doe in the headlights” look that signals underlying anger or fear?  Partners that respond with empathy and validation of your complaint, even if they disagree with your point, are showing you respect.

Do you ever get the feeling that your spouse hates you?  If so, you’re experiencing contempt, another warning sign of marital trouble.  Contempt shows up in a marriage as hostile humor, mockery or ridicule, insults, name-calling, and the infamous eye roll.  If your partner consistently exhibits these behaviors, run for the Yellow Pages and call a skilled marital counselor. You’re in big trouble.  If it is early in your relationship and you are tolerating this kind of behavior, you need to ask yourself why you are allowing this to continue and you need to call it to their attention as being unacceptable.

Finally, does your spouse criticize and attack you verbally (or physically) when upset about something you’ve done?  The difference between complaint and criticism is that criticism is personal.  It’s an attack on you, not a focus on the problem.  You become the problem.  A clue that you’re hearing criticism are the words “you never” and “you always.” Unrelenting criticism can erode the foundation of a marriage and drive your spouse away. On the other hand, can your spouse make complaints about specific behaviors and problems, put it out on the table, discuss it calmly, and together you come to a satisfactory resolution?  If so, keep him!  

In learning the signs of a healthy marriage and the warning signals of marital distress, you can do preventative maintenance on your relationship.  Remember, a healthy relationship requires work, which starts with self-awareness.  If you get stuck, professional help is available.

You may contact Dr. Vaillancourt at
(618) 549-5935 for help with emotional eating.
Please visit my website at http://www.GotStressGetHelp.com
Email address: DrAnnette@hughes.net

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 Copyright © 2005 Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved.