I want to write about heartbreak and how to embrace the lessons that come with loss. I do not want to glorify or romanticize heartbreak. It hurts….., deeply, but we can heal from it and grow to be wiser, more self-loving and stronger afterwards.

Why is it “Better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all?” Well, for one thing, it turns up issues for further growth and healing; among them self-love and fears of abandonment or being alone. For another thing, it stretches our heart, both for ourselves and for others. Heartbreak breaks your heart open!

As with anything in life, what remains with us after an upsetting event has everything to do with our attitude; how we choose to respond to or make meaning out of that event. Our relationships, even the ones that end, can serve as mirrors to help us see ourselves more clearly and accurately, accept what “is,” and open us up to a wider capacity for love or compassion. Instead of focusing on what we’ve loss, we might celebrate what we’ve gained. Or we can choose to shut down and never risk our hearts again.

When a cherished relationship ends, you can find support for nearly any negative attitude you want to take, including self-righteous anger, self-pity, blaming or labeling the other person as bad, incapable of love and commitment, or unworthy. When you talk to friends about heartbreak you may hear them say, “You’re better off without them. She/he’s not worthy of your tears. You should be glad! They didn’t deserve you anyway. What a jerk/bitch! The best thing to do is get back on the horse and start dating.” Though well-intentioned (your friends hate it when you’re hurting) it does not serve to heal your basic hurt and help you grow through the experience. Taking up permanent residence in one of these negative attitudes, though they may be stopping places along the way of grieving the loss, only hurts you.

If loss causes you to decide to close your heart permanently, you will miss out on all future joy and possibilities. Remember only you can open the door to your heart, not someone else, because it is locked from the inside. The way to present and future love is not by protecting yourself from possible hurt and keeping others at a distance, but by knowing what to do and how to grieve when hurt, disappointment, and loss come into your life.

The way to stay open to love and not be devastated by loss is to first and foremost be your own primary source of love. In other words, practice loving yourself. If you don’t love and value yourself enough, chances are no one else will either and you will go into relationships with a level of neediness that the other person cannot ever fill. If you haven’t stocked up on self-love before, during and after, when someone takes their love away you’re going to be left feeling empty, bitter and resentful because not only is their love gone, but there’s nothing inside to buffer that loss.

What does self-love look like in practice? It doing for yourself the things you’d hoped a lover would do…being kind, being patient, being nurturing, spending time with yourself doing enjoyable things. Also, you can practice being a loving person to others. Just because one person didn’t accept your love, doesn’t diminish your capacity to give love.

Finally, if the pain is too great, or you’re getting stuck somewhere in the grief process, give me a call.