Carbondale, IL | Psychotherapist | Annette Vaillancourt, Ph.D.

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What if someone could predict with 94% accuracy whether your marriage would succeed or fail? Wouldn’t you want to know how they did that? John Gottman, Ph.D., noted researcher, author, and founder of “the Love Lab,” has done so. His 30 years of research found four factors that signal the health of a marriage and four ways of interacting that suggest your marriage may be in trouble....Read on.....

ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! Depression is NOT a normal part of being a woman. Contrary to common beliefs, it is not normal to be depressed after giving birth, during PMS, while going through menopause, or as part of aging.....Read on....

When I ask an audience what comes to mind when I say “conflict”, they usually give all the negatives associations first: war, fighting, pain, upset, anger, argument, and divorce. When I prompt them for positive associations to the word “conflict,” uncomfortable laughter ripples across the room. Usually I have to help them get started by saying “resolution, negotiation, cooperation, collaboration and relief.” Once in awhile someone will throw in “make-up sex!” There’s one in every crowd!.....Read on.....

Our personalities and behaviors are shaped by multiple influences -- biological, social, and cultural. I sometimes quip that I'd be out of business if it weren't for parents, sex, and religion. These are extremely powerful influences on the shape of our adult personalities, behavior, and the values we live by....Read on....

This is my favorite bumper sticker – “Don’t believe everything you think.” It reminds me that a lot of our misery, depression, anxiety and interpersonal difficulties are cause by our death grip on assumptions that make us miserable....Read on....

There's a million (well,maybe a dozen) ways we defend ourselves from unwanted or unpleasant emotions. Who wants to feel bad, right? The ways we defend ourselves from experiencing these emotions are called ego defense mechanisms. We all use them to varying degrees....Read on....

September 2005 - I'm a Recovering.....Worrier!

Hello, my name is Annette and I’m a recovering worrier. What is worry? Worry is just mental rehearsal for things to go badly. It is a sign of anxiety and not feeling sure about a future event or situation. It is only one of many perspectives to take about the future......Read on.....

Ever wonder why people have a personality change at midlife, sometimes called a midlife crisis? Why does the mild mannered gentleman in your office suddenly quit his job and go off sailing around the world? Why does a formerly passive woman start speaking more assertively or even start expressing anger?.....Read on.....

I want to write about heartbreak and how to embrace the lessons that come with loss. I do not want to glorify or romanticize heartbreak. It hurts….., deeply, but we can heal from it and grow to be wiser, more self-loving and stronger afterwards.....Read on....

I’m excited to talk to you about a new treatment option I’m learning, but I’m also hesitant because I’m new to it and it’s still in its infancy.....Read on.....

Do you ever wonder why some people are successful at what they set out to do and others are not? I do. Whether it’s a diet, financial goal, or finding love, what differentiates those who are successful from those who are not?....Read on.....

Even though I help empower women to reach their goals, I still struggle with my own tendency to whine, complain and feel defeated when I don't get what I want. Recently I put signs around my house that say, "NO EXCUSES! I am 100% responsible for the results I get in my life." Read on....

Why don’t we do things we know are good for us or move us towards our stated goals? I suspect it’s either fear or we don’t believe we are able to, or that we don’t see ourselves as the kind of person who does those things. Read on....

Having a healthy relationship is like “tending” a garden. Like a garden, tending a relationship, may be considered “work” or “fun” depending on who you ask and when. Sometimes it’s both. And whether you plant a vegetable garden and look to it for nourishment and nurturance or a flower garden and look to it for beauty and sharing, both will wither and die if left untended. It’s the same with an intimate relationship. Read on....

Most people carry on a silent internal conversation with themselves during much of the day, yet are totally unaware of it. This internal self talk is very much like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You may be surprised at how much of what you feel is caused by what you tell yourself, what you think about any situation. It is most often your beliefs and thoughts about a situation that make a stressful, not the situation itself. Read on....

Do men and women differ in how they handle stress? New theories say, “Yes.” Read on...

In the "soft" form of jujitsu, the objective in self-defense is going with the force of a blow instead of encountering it or resisting it. Instead of using extra energy to make contact and turn a blow away, the martial artist either steps aside or moves with the momentum of the blow, thus throwing the attacker off balance. Read on....

Have you’ve ever noticed that depressed people dwell on the past and anxious people are worried about the future? If so, you’ll understand the profound wisdom written in small print on raffle tickets, “you must be present to win.” Read on....

After 2 years of writing about how to reduce stress, I thought I was running out of things to say. So I took my own advice and went on vacation. While walking on the beach at Ft. Lauderdale Christmas Day, I found myself thinking about the concept of abundance and the "law of attraction." Read on.....

I'd like to discuss an idea to help reduce your stress while strengthening your heart. This is an unusual idea for stress reduction because it involves doing something for someone else. Do a good deed daily. Do something nice for someone else and your heart will grow stronger. That someone can be a friend, family member, coworker, a business associate, or better yet, a total stranger. Read on....

I learned a long time ago that the secret to having a productive depression is approaching it correctly and with perspective. Let me qualify this by saying that the type of depression I'm talking about is what's known as a reactive or situational depression. This is different than a clinical depression. Read on....

Lately psychologists have become interested in positive psychology and peak performance states, instead of just the study of mental illness and stress related problems. By studying human potential, instead of focusing solely on human frailty and illness, we get a perspective that suggests ways and techniques which expand and optimize human life, instead of just providing a form of damage control or remediation.

I recently returned from a workshop sponsored by Harvard Medical School and held at Esalen Institute in beautiful Big Sur, California. The title of the workshop was “Enhancing Peak Performance in Art, Sports, and the Worksite.” Read on.....

Most of us stress out when faced with an interpersonal conflict, whether it's at work or at home. Unfortunately, without guidance for effective conflict resolutions, we can act like....well, 2 year olds. We pout, whine, scream, blame call names, walk out or tune out, or worse.... Read on....

Nothing makes a conflict worse than when the other person is not actively listening or engaged. Here are 5 steps to not only demonstrate that you are listening, but to demonstrate that you understand what the other person is saying and feeling. Read on.....

August 2007 - The Perils of People Pleasing
PLUS a BONUS ARTICLE: Getting Rid of Stress By Getting Rid of Clutter

Are you a people pleaser? Do you feel guilty or “selfish” when saying, “no” to other’s requests? Do you put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own in the hopes that they will like you or they will put your needs as their top priority? Do you worry about hurting other people’s feelings if you cannot do what they want you to do? If so, you are a people pleaser and are probably on the way to depression, anxiety, or resentment. Read on....

September 2007 - You're Not the Boss of Me!

I am going to make a radical statement, which is: no one can control you unless you let them. You are always making choices about how to behave, react or respond to others’ behavior. Even in extreme circumstances, if someone has a gun to your head, you still have a choice about how to respond. Read on....

October 2007 - How to Get What You Want

As a therapist, I am privy to the inner workings of the lives of many people. One of the things that amazes me is how many people are using outdated or incorrect assumptions about themselves and the world that disempower them, reduce their effectiveness, and sustain misery in their lives.

The theme I'd like to address today is not asking for what you want. Read on....

November 2007 - How to Become Extremely Neurotic and Stay That Way

M. Scott Peck, author of the book, The Road Less Traveled, made the clearest distinction that I’ve ever read between your garden variety neurotic and personality disordered people. Simply put, neurotics are those of us to make ourselves miserable. Personality disordered people make others miserable.

Fortunately or unfortunately, Freud said most of us are neurotic. That means we hold a set of unconscious beliefs about ourselves, other people, and the way the world works that do not correspond with reality. Psychologists tend to believe that these neurotic tendencies were learned in childhood; often in response to the emotional and behavioral environments present in your family. Read on....

January 2008 - Please Fail At Your New Year's Diet

February 2008 - The Valiant Struggle

I was struggling to write this column. After 2-3 years of writing about stress I was feeling like I was running out of ideas. How many ways can I spin stress management? So I got thinking about what I've learned from my clients about facing life and dealing with stress. Mostly I've learned about the strength of the human spirit in the face of adversity. I thought I'd share a little of that with you. Read on....

March 2008: Power Struggle No More!

To paraphrase Albert Einstein, a problem cannot be solved within the same framework that created it. This applies to stressful situations as well, especially interpersonal ones. If there is some dynamic between you and another person that is driving you crazy, pushing your buttons, or stressing you out ... Read on....

April 2008: Friendship

Why is it so hard to write about friendship as a therapist? I think it is partly because the nature of friendships are changing as society changes. The other thing I hear in both my friendship circle and my clinical practice is a pervasive sense of loneliness, social isolation and lack of meaningful connections between people. True and enduring friendships seem more like a rarity these days, not something we can take for granted....Read on...

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